Christmas Eve in Spain one more year. I wonder what the toast will go to this year. It always went to us not flying back, but now that all hope is lost, we'll have to come up with something new... we'll see... For now will make a toast to gratitude, for I am just very grateful for all what this 2005 has given me: passing my state test, living in Spain a grown-up kind of life I had not know before, all my co-workers and even the brats I teach... I am grateful for everything I am learning, for the chance of being aroud my parents and friends.
My wish for the past five years was always to come bak and live here forever, and since one year will have to sufice, I am glad at least I am having it!

For the upcoming years, when I want to find my way back home for the Xmas season, I will just have to listen up close, and maybe I will hear this...


Just hear those sleigh bells jingling,
Ring ting tingling too
Come on, it's lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you.

Bound to suffer

Reading Johnny's blog, getting pictures of my nieces through Hoang, talking to my mom-in-law I feel how easy it is to stop being a part of somthing. It does not take a long time, or any effort, just getting out of the picture. Then you start hearing things you don't relate to, seeing faces change, experiences you were and are not a part of... and it hurts. When I realise what I am missing by being here, rather than cherishing what I possess now, I start to pain myself thinking how that will vanish too when I leave. And worst of all, I wonder if it will be worth my while. I still believe that, at a personal level, it might be. But in a more abstract and general way, I think in my mind I will always know it is a step back.
Still, I have Vinh, and I cherish him like a glass ball, for I know what I have found in him cannot be replaced and many people would die to have it, including myself if I was in a different situation. But he is the only thing that moves me forward with this decision. I hate the missing, the suffering, the feeling like I am not a part of here or there... but I am bound to feel this way, unless I learn how to deal with this sensation